I have decided to streamline my life and prioritize what is important. I dropped the Word Press class I was planning to take. I have other things I need to focus on right now. Basic life things. I still plan to continue with my blogging and I will take classes in the future, but I feel that I am putting too much pressure on myself. Feeling pressured takes away from my ability to find my flow.
Being in flow does not mean that I am complacent with my life or that my life is easy. In fact, I have gone through some of my most challenging times when in flow. When I am in flow, I feel this spiritual pull that pulls me along my life path. I am present and going through life’s challenges but I am also slightly dissociated. Not disconnected but I am able to observe my life from slightly outside of it.
Lately, I have been blogging a lot about the politics at work. I am sad to say the politics had sucked me in. I was focusing too much on dealing with my former friends and finding new friends at work that I was becoming distracted from my personal goals. Last week I had a three epiphanies that snapped me back into reality: 1) I saw my friendship for what it really was; 2) Coworker 1 is not a healthy friendship for me right now; 3) people at work are miserable.
My friend does not see me the way that I want him to see me. It’s another person whom I felt the need to impress. Maybe I needed to impress him for my personal self worth. I think there are too many people in my life who don’t see me as a worthwhile person. Maybe nobody. I don’t know how I have constructed my life like this and I don’t know how to change it, but it seems to be true.
With Coworker 1, I feel like I am entering another friendship where I have to prove myself worthy of being her friend. Maybe at work, I am a bit of a leper but that doesn’t mean I need to beg people to be my friend. I maybe wrong about her so I am not walking away completely. I’m leaving the door open, but not committing myself any further.
Like I said: at work right now I am a bit of a leper. The treatment towards me has been brutal and from all sides. I don’t quite understand. I am a good staff member and I work hard. On Friday, I watched as the evening shift walked in. They are also the core group of permanent staff there. They were completely miserable. I decided their beef with me is that my life is moving in a positive direction and I am genuinely happy so they are bitter. They are so bitter towards me they can’t see straight. This means there is nothing I can do to make it better so I have to let it go.
In conclusion, what I am realizing is that there is really nothing keeping me on my current unit. I don’t want to be there is ten years from now and be miserable. So I am planning to move on. How I am going to do that, I don’t know. But it’s time.