If you read my previous blog Resisting the Bullshit, you might be wondering what I meant by “It’s just an awesome thing with an unclear path. Whatever happens happens.”. I am not intending on having an affair at all. I have accepted the fact that at this point, my friendship looks as though it will remain a strictly work friendship. At some point when one of us leaves my current unit, it will end. It’s kind of a tough road to travel as I cannot make our friendship a priority. If there ever comes a time where working on my unit doesn’t make sense in my life, I have to choose my life. And even if we both stay on my unit for the remainder of my career, at some point one of us will retire. So the end is inevitable. That said, all relationships end at some point. We all die eventually leaving those we love behind. So the fact my friendship will end shouldn’t be a deterrent. My husband is my life. My job is my job. When push comes to shove my life will trump by job every time. In the meantime, I have to maintain my personal integrity towards my husband. I can’t talk about my relationship with my husband to my friend. I can’t imagine a life where my friendship could evolve further. The only way that could happen would be if we both ended up single, but I don’t know how that would happen. Neither of us should be a factor in each other’s relationship. I can’t imagine a world where my husband is hurt. So I have to think of my friend as only a friend.
Some people may say I should end my friendship and maybe they are right. However, I think that would be overreacting on my part. If I were single, my friendship wouldn’t even count. This is a common mistake I made in my youth. I would imagine a whole relationship in my head that never existed. I need a relationship that exists in the real world, not just in my head. I need a relationship where we are physically in each other’s lives. So even if I were single, he would still be married and unavailable. That means that unless I was interested in living the rest being in an imaginary relationship that doesn’t exist, my friendship cannot be considered that kind of relationship. The fact that I am married shouldn’t change this fact in my opinion. I have also had a hard time finding people who are supportive of my friendship. My husband and I work in completely different industries which makes it hard for either of us to be fully supportive when it comes to each other’s work. So having people we can talk to about our work is a good thing. I am also aware that my husband likely has similar friends, female friends, at work whom he talks to and I am fine with it. Whatever brings us joy as long we don’t cross the line. I have no way of controlling whether my husband crosses the line. So I have to trust that if he wants out of our marriage, he will tell me and we will move forward accordingly. In my opinion my friendship does not impact whether or not my husband wants to be married to me.
In a weird way, my situation although unorthodox actually works. I have the life I want with my husband; while I get the spiritual connection I need through my friendship. If I indulge in the idea of soulmates, it’s hard to tell who my soulmate is. Perhaps my friend is my soulmate and maybe we will end up together when the timing is right. Or perhaps my husband is my soulmate and my friend is just a spiritual guide helping me with my spiritual growth. Maybe I am learning how to let down my guard so I can connect to a man. I have already noticed more of an emotional connection with my husband since my friendship started. I much prefer that my husband turns out to be my soulmate…if soulmates exist. So don’t be afraid to think outside the box. It doesn’t mean what you are doing is wrong.