I started to like boys in middle-school, but I had no idea how to deal with them. In high-school, I liked boys who were “out of my league”. In university, I had started to have some success with boys and even dated a couple. However, I never had consistent success and still had no idea how to deal with boys. During this time, I became friends with a girl who was in a similar boat. We often talked about how guys would show interest and even go on a date or two but neither of us could move it to the next level. I used to call myself a dateless wonder because although I was attractive enough and I met guys that seemed interested, I could never secure a bonafide boyfriend. Then there would be the things we would tell ourselves like: “he really likes me, it’s just bad timing”. The things we, women, tell ourselves about why boys won’t date us. In my final year of school, I did manage to secure a boyfriend and we dated for 1 1/2 years. Then when I moved to my current city, I was once again single.
I went back to my practice of telling myself little stories about innuendos and emotional connections that essentially amounted to nothing in the way of relationships. I got into an imaginary relationship with a guy. It was imaginary because he lived far away and our relationship consisted of a weekend flirt-fest and then a series of emails mostly initiated by me. It finally has settled into a Facebook friendship and remains so to this day. As I often say that everything has it’s purpose in our life journey, he introduced me to the book The Game by Neil Strauss. It introduced me to the world of pick-up artists. I decided if men can do this women can do this better, but I had to be smart. If men were made to want to pick-up women then the trick is to get men to want to pick me up. I realized I had been making it too easy for men. I needed to make them come to me. The first decision I made was no more imaginary relationships. Meaning: if a man doesn’t ask me out and make his intention clear then he is invisible to me. It was a significant change in my thinking around men and I still see women all around me making this same mistake. Grown women in the 40s and 50s! I think this is the #1 reason most single women cannot secure a relationship.
Going back to my friend from my university days. I remember one story she had about a boyfriend she had had who she broke up with briefly and another girl swooped in. In my friends mind, this girl was “the other girl” since my friend felt the boy was really in love with her but the other girl was controlling him and wouldn’t let him leave. When I apply my new way of thinking, it was my friend whose thinking was wrong. It doesn’t matter why her ex-boyfriend wouldn’t leave his girlfriend and it doesn’t matter if he was in love with my friends. At the end of the day, he was in a relationship with that girl and my friend was in an imaginary relationship with him. A relationship that didn’t exist. I think the boy and “the other girl” ended up getting married which shows how unproductive my friends thinking was. Instead of being engaged in an imaginary relationship with him, my friend would’ve been much farther ahead to look for another boy she could actually date.
I noticed similar behavior in Toxic. She would like a guy and she would build up an imaginary relationship with him to the point where she was territorial. Even if the guy already had a girlfriend, she would feel that the girlfriend was stealing her man. If another women so much as encroached even a little on her perceived territory she would attack. One there was a guy at work she liked. I made a joke to him during a lighthearted conversation and she called me a “bitch”. I was shocked at how fast she became angry and the viciousness in her voice. Over nothing. I think this might have something to do with our fallout. I think at one time she liked my friend and she could neither accept or understand how he would choose me over her. When I finally put my foot down and set limits with her, she went postal. I believe that the majority of backlash I have had can be traced back to her. It reinforces my ideas about imaginary relationships. Her behavior is crazy!